When Workplace Politics Get Messy, Focus on These 4 Things Instead
Four steps to stay professional when your emotions are running high. Here's how to stay above the drama while protecting your reputation and relationships.
Welcome to Reframed! I'm Ashley Rudolph and I write this newsletter for high-performers ready for the next level in their careers. I’m a former tech exec turned executive coach. I work with high-achieving, successful leaders in beauty, media, spirits, tech, and design. I help people lead with clarity, confidence, and intention, especially when they’re in roles that look shiny on the outside but feel chaotic or confusing from the inside.
If you’re new here, welcome. If you’ve been here for a while, thank you for sticking around!
Let’s get into it.
I’m at the salon getting my hair braided (hello summer!). On braid days I’m basically stuck in one spot for like 5 hours, so I spend my time catching up on life. You know how people are incredibly productive on planes? My secret productivity weapon is getting my hair braided.
Today, I’m focusing on last week’s newsletter stats. I spotted an interesting tidbit. The most clicked link in last week’s Open Tabs newsletter? A Slate article about workplace revenge.
IN CASE YOU MISSED IT →
I get it. Some of us have absolutely imagined the glorious moment where our office nemesis gets their comeuppance. Conflict in the workplace can lead to toxic cultures, feuds, and even turnover.
You ever write a Slack message, delete it, rewrite it, and then delete it again?
Not because you don’t have anything to say, but because you’re trying to decide if it’s worth it to light the chat on fire?
I’ve been there 😈
I’ve had a few archenemies at work, some I handled well. Some…I did not. Now? I’m a much better person (read: mature, less stressed, more discerning, and therapized).
And I’ve coached dozens of people through their version of the same spiral.
It always starts the same: someone disrespects you. Undermines you. Talks about you. Or my least favorite, comes at you sideways (the comments that elicit a “who do they think they’re talking to?!” internal reaction).
You try to brush it off but then it happens again. And again. And now you’re annoyed. You start watching their every move. Telling yourself stories about what they really meant.
But what I’ve learned is this: successfully navigating conflict at work and coming out on the other side of it (or at the very least protecting your standing) requires strategy and a dash of diplomacy.
This week we’re going to talk about beef. Not the Netflix series. Workplace beef. How it originates, why it festers, and what to do about it before you spiral into a full on revenge plot (real or fantasy). The last part is important. Unless you’re planning to leave your job in a blaze of glory, full on revenge at work rarely pays off. Because unlike in a movie or in that Slate article, chances are…you still have to collaborate with your office villain.
THE CONTEXT: WHERE BEEF BEGINS
Four Scenarios When Colleagues Push Your Boundaries
There’s always a catalyst. Something that sets you off and makes you slightly more on edge. A moment that just…feels off. Here are four common scenarios.
Someone undermines you
You find out a colleague made a call that your department should’ve been consulted on. No heads-up. No context. Just a decision that impacts your work and now you’re left cleaning it up. Or worse, defending it. You’re speaking in a meeting and a colleague cuts in to “clarify” what you meant (and maybe steals your point). Someone purposely goes around you and to your boss, when you’ve already communicated a decision to them.
You start asking: Was that intentional? Do they even respect me? Am I being paranoid?
Someone excludes you
There’s a calendar invite for a meeting you believe you should be part of but you weren’t invited. You’re told “it was just a quick sync”. Maybe your colleague left your name off a slide that you worked on and claimed it as their own or left you off an email thread. And now you’re wondering if the omission was accidental or strategic.
Your direct report makes a mistake that reflects poorly on you
The email went out with the wrong attachment. Or the deck was late by two days. And suddenly, it’s you who’s being side-eyed. It’s your leadership being questioned. The mistake isn’t the problem, it’s the fact that you now feel exposed.
If you don’t address it early, it festers.
Someone talks about you (badly) and you find out
Maybe someone sends you a Slack intended for someone else and it’s not exactly nice. Or maybe your direct report discloses that someone said something shady about you. I have been in this situation (more details on that at the end of this post - keep reading!)
In any of these situations, if left unaddressed you end up watching the person closely. Maybe you over-prepare for meetings they’re in. Maybe you avoid interactions with them. Maybe you confront them.
The Data Behind Workplace Drama
So what pushes a moment from “Ugh, that was annoying” to full-blown “I’m dodging them in the hallway” or “I’m joining the zoom and turning my camera off when they’re the only one there before the meeting starts”?
Unresolved conflict.
We joke about “workplace beef”, but conflict at work can feel deeply personal. Especially when it’s layered with unspoken rules (power dynamics! Diplomacy! Ownership!).
According to a study by CPP, up to 85% of employees deal with conflict at work, and nearly half of those conflicts stem from clashing personalities and egos. Another 34% trace conflict at work back to ongoing issues with stress. When tension builds in already demanding environments, it destabilizes you.
And it’s expensive. Not just emotionally, but literally. In the survey mentioned above, each employee reported “spending approx. one day a month dealing with conflict in some way (being involved in a disagreement, managing a conflict between co-workers, etc). It is also a major drain on the resources of HR departments: half of the HR workers questioned (51%) spend between one and five hours a week managing disagreements.” (CPP)
It all adds up to hours of cleanup that could’ve been avoided with the right conversation. This is why I care so much about the moments before the spiral.
The moment you start to feel off.
The moment you start obsessing.
The moment where the story in your head starts to take over.
When these moments crop up, you need a simple way to stay on track before the issue snowballs. That’s where the Just Ask Them / Just Tell Them / Just Let Them / Just Go For It framework comes in. It helps you:
Get clear on what you don’t know (so you stop spiraling)
Say what actually needs to be said (before resentment builds)
Discern what you do and don’t need to say or get involved in (because not every battles is worth fighting)
Take action instead of waiting for approval
THE REFRAME
The Shift From Petty to Productive
I’ve seen and experienced what happens when workplace tension is left to simmer.
The Slack messages get a little more sharp. Someone asks a question and you launch into your preferred conflict script: “On October 25, 2023 - I sent an email about this. Please let me know if you have any questions!”
The eye rolls more frequent. Someone breathes wrong in a meeting and you’re annoyed. Why are they taking up all the air in the room?! They’re so selfish.
People start keeping score instead of collaborating. That’s what the data can’t capture. Sure, it tells us that most professionals are losing a day a month to conflict, but it doesn’t account for the mental tabs we keep open.
That’s where this framework comes in. It’s deceptively simple: just ask them, just tell them, just let them, just go for it. I’ve seen it shift real dynamics in real time. I’ll also say it’s not about being “the bigger person”, you know I am not a fan of platitudes. What the framework does is give you a guide for taking control of the situation instead of falling victim to the impact of unresolved conflicts. The sooner you act, the more options you have.
Let’s break down my simple framework.
1. Just ask them
This one’s for the moments when you’re unsure. It could be uncertainty about someone’s intent, additional context is needed, or expectations are out of alignment. Whatever it is, something feels off and you don’t know why — a shift in direction, a sudden decision, someone’s tone in a meeting that didn’t sit right. It’s easy to spiral when you don’t have the full picture. But often, a simple, direct question will get you 90% of the way to resolution.
Here’s an example if you were left off a meeting you’re supposed to be part of:
“Saw this meeting on the calendar. I am leading X work stream for this project. Can you add me to it?”
When in doubt, ask. About the decision. About the deadline. About what they actually want from you. When you have an opportunity to lead with curiosity, you give yourself the opportunity to gain clarity.
2. Just tell them
This is the one people avoid the most!
It’s simple. Tell them what they need to hear before your silence becomes resentment.
Maybe it’s a peer whose work ethic is impacting yours. They’re late to meetings, dismissive in tone, clearly not taking things seriously and it’s starting to get under your skin. You vent to a friend. You try not to roll your eyes on Zoom. But have you said anything about it directly?
Maybe it’s your boss. You’re frustrated that they haven’t advocated for you. You’re starting to feel overlooked. But have you said what you want next in your career? Or are you waiting for them to guess?
This applies to feedback, expectations, and even personal boundaries. If you don’t tell people what’s not working—or what you do want—you start making assumptions. They start disappointing you. My clients who handle conflict best? They don’t hesitate. They lean into 'just tell them' energy, and it shows. It’s no coincidence that they are well respected and are less stressed by potential conflict.
Here’s some recommendations →
A: “I want to talk to you about a pattern I’ve noticed lately, there’s a few things that are starting to impact the team negatively.”
B: “I’d love to have a conversation about my growth this month. I want to make sure you know I’m thinking about the next step.”
No gotchas, no passive aggressive biting emails. No unnecessary CCs. Tell them. While you still want to work through it, before it becomes something you start stewing about.
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3. Just let them (c/o Mel Robbins)
This one’s about discernment. Not every situation requires a response. Not every coworker’s messy behavior needs your commentary. Sometimes, the most strategic move is to let people show you who they are and let it play out.
Think:
The chronic interrupter
The person who stirs up unnecessary drama
The colleague who’s not actually delivering…and it’s obvious
You can call it out once or twice. But if you find yourself tempted to ring the alarm over and over and over again, think about how that impacts your professional perception. Sometimes, it’s best to just let them architect their own downfall (harsh but true!). Trying to manage someone else's under performance (or gossiping about it) can boomerang back on you. Getting tangled up in mess is an unnecessary distraction.
4. Just go for it
This one might sting a little. Sometimes, your biggest battle is with yourself. You’re overthinking. Second-guessing. Spiraling in perfectionism. Sitting on an idea because you don’t want to rock the boat.
Here’s your permission slip: Just go for it. Share the strategy. Take up space. Propose an initiative.
No one is coming to clear the path. That’s your job.
WRAP UP: CLOSING THOUGHTS
A few years ago, a colleague told me that another colleague regularly referred to me “aggressive” and “hard to work with”. I was leading a high-performing team. We were clear, tight, and getting results. And apparently, it rubbed them the wrong way.
Honestly, I was offended and blindsided. I stewed for a week. Replayed every interaction, trying to pinpoint the moment when I was aggressive to said colleague. Then I talked about it with my manager and decided I wasn’t going to let it hang in the air. I booked a meeting.
The day came and I started by sharing what I wanted to discuss. Direct. Honest.
I then said something along the lines of, “I heard you described me as [aggressive and hard to work with]. I was surprised by that. Is this true? And is there a reason you feel that way about me?”
They were shocked by my candor and tried to explain what they said. The meeting shifted something. I walked away clearer on how I would work with them moving forward.
Before going into that conversation, I thought about the type of leader I wanted to be. And I knew that I wasn’t someone who was going to let comments like this make me shrink. I was going to lead directly.
And after that conversation? We didn’t become besties. But we worked together. Got things done. And most importantly, I didn’t carry that baggage into the next meeting or the next project.
Sometimes addressing things head-on is exactly what the other person needs:
To know not to mess with you (hehehe).
To finally understand how to work with you (win win win!).
Or to realign on the actual goal and getting work done well.
Directness puts you back in control. So if you’re on the edge of spiraling, plotting, or screenshotting, take a breath instead. And then: just ask them, just tell them, just let them, or just go for it.
You’ve got better things to do and so does HR. Save the real issues for them, they’ll appreciate it.
Good luck! See you next week,
Ashley
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Reframed by Ashley R. is read in 58 countries and 46 U.S. states. My posts are screenshotted, forwarded, and quoted in team meetings.
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My favorite Shonda Rhimes quote: “Freedom lies across the field of the difficult conversation."
Really awesome newsletter! Such great advice!