What Do You Do When It Feels Like Everyone Else Has It All Together and You Don’t?
The truth about success, comparison, and 5 ways to come back to yourself when the highlight reel effect gets loud.
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Spring is here. Well, technically. NYC hasn’t fully gotten the memo. Winter’s still hanging on, stubborn as ever.
But you can feel a glimmer of it in the air: a little more light, a little more energy. And the little nudges that it’s time to begin again.
Your inbox might start filling up with newsletters about fresh starts. Your feed might be full of people launching, pivoting, or even glowing. I saw a video circulating this weekend from an influencer that said you should just give up if you haven’t started working on your summer 2025 body yet (lol).
The underlying message? Now’s the time to bloom. And rudely (like that aforementioned influencer), if you haven’t started yet, you’re doomed!
While springtime energy can feel hopeful...it can also feel like pressure. Underneath the talk of “new beginnings”, there’s often quieter questions lurking:
Shouldn’t you be further along by now?
Shouldn’t you have it more together?
This post is for the version of you that knows better in your head, but still spirals in your body. The version that has built something real—maybe even something you’re proud of—but still feels like you’re grasping at something invisible.
Let’s talk about what “having it all together” actually looks like.
INTRODUCTION: THE HIGHLIGHT REEL EFFECT
Why It Looks Like Everyone Else Has It Together (Even When They Don’t)
We’ve been sold this image of success that’s slick and linear. It’s clean, confident, and Instagrammable. It looks like clarity, sounds like certainty, and moves fast. No hesitation. No chaos. No mess.
And the more you see it, the easier it is to believe that anything outside of that narrow image must mean you’re off track.
It shows up in those career updates that read like LinkedIn fairytales. Or in the vacation photos with just enough vulnerability in the caption to feel “authentic”. Believe me, I’ve spent 10 minutes coming up with the perfect IG caption for a photo, only to delete it and post sans caption.
When your life doesn’t look “perfect”, especially if things are moving slower than you expected, or your confidence is wobbling, it’s easy to start questioning everything. The most frequent question I get when I’m talking with my clients about their struggles or a tough career moment is am I the only one that deals with this?
What we see online isn’t just curated, it’s calibrated.
People aren’t just showing their highlight reel, they’re showing the version of themselves they think will be most accepted. Not necessarily because they’re being fake (okay, sometimes they are lol), but because performing certainty can feel safer than admitting doubt.
We all do it. Online. At work. Sometimes even with ourselves.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with that. It’s a kind of self-protection. But it becomes a problem when we start mistaking others’ performances for the whole picture. When we assume everyone else has it together while we’re barely holding it together with caffeine, imposter syndrome, and a Google Calendar that’s one delay away from chaos.
If you’re spiraling in that in-between space—where you know better, but still feel like you’re falling behind—this post is for you. I’ll walk you through what “together” actually looks like (for me, for my clients), and 5 simple things you can do when the highlight reel effect comes pulls at you.
THE SCENE: INSTAGRAM VS. REALITY
What “Together” Actually Looks Like Behind the Scenes
First, let’s pull the curtain back.
From the outside, “having it together” (aka me - just kidding 🤣) might look like:
Consistent clients
A clear message and vision
Writing a 2000+ word newsletter each week
A business that aligns with who I’ve become
For my clients, it might look like:
Promotions
Visibility
Leadership roles
Those external “you made it” markers
But behind the scenes……?
Here’s what it actually looks like for me:
Wrestling with whether I even want to scale
Saying no to things I would’ve said yes to last year (even when people don’t get it)
Navigating stretches where I feel disconnected from my own vision
Holding space for other people while carrying my own heavy day
Celebrating a win while still wondering if it’s enough
And for my clients?
Getting passed over for a promotion more than once before landing the one that finally shifted everything
Leading in rooms that still underestimate them
Leaving prestigious roles that looked good on paper but felt like slow erosion
Negotiating salaries they should’ve gotten years ago
Wondering if they’re “too honest,” “too quiet,” or “too human” for the spaces they lead in and showing up anyway
This is what success actually looks like.
Not the performance. Not the aesthetic. But the day-in, day-out decision to stay in the room with your own work, your own leadership, your own becoming—even when it’s messy.
REALITY CHECK: THE IMPACT
Why the Highlight Reel Still Gets to You (Even When You Know Better)
The dominant version of success still rewards performance. It values speed, scale, and visibility. It sounds like hustle and looks like certainty. It’s founder mode. Red Bull energy in prose. It flattens everything that makes you human. It’s dominated by infamous men in leadership that I don’t care to name in this post because they’re everywhere. Google them lol.
There’s no room for softness. Or uncertainty. Or recalibration. No space for the parts of you that are still figuring it out.
But power doesn’t always look like performance.
Sometimes it looks like restraint.
Like making a quiet decision no one claps for.
Like saying “I’m not available for that anymore”.
Like needing more time and not making that mean you’re less capable.
And I’m talking about this now because springtime makes the myth louder.
There’s this collective push to start fresh. To show progress. To prove we’re growing. To prove that we did enough in Q1 and we’re on track to meet our year end goals.
All of this makes it really easy to confuse movement with alignment.
But here’s the part most people won’t say out loud:
You’re allowed to begin again—slowly.
You’re allowed to redefine what progress feels like.
You’re allowed to feel powerful and lost at the same time.
There’s nothing wrong with questioning everything.
There’s no shame in needing rest before you re-engage.
And there is still time for your year to unfold differently.
THE FRAMEWORK: HERE’S WHAT WORKS
You’re Not Behind. But Here’s What to Do When It Feels That Way
Let’s be real → comparison, self-doubt, and that nagging feeling of “I should be further along” aren’t just passing thoughts. They’re patterns. I’ve seen them show up in high-performing founders, senior leaders, and the ambitious creatives I work with. I’ve lived them myself.
And no, a bubble bath or a pep talk isn’t going to recalibrate you when you’re in that spiral. What does help? Re-orienting. Grounding back into what’s real, what’s yours, and what you can actually do.
These five steps are the exact things I return to—rooted in lived experience, backed by coaching practice, and supported by legit research on mental clarity, resilience, and sustainable success (shoutout to HBR, business books, and The Anxious Achiever podcast).
You don’t need to overhaul your life. You just need a way to come back to yourself when the noise gets too loud.
Start here →
1. Step away from what’s messing with your head.
If scrolling aimlessly on social makes you feel behind, stop scrolling. If someone’s updates make you question your path, mute them. You don’t need to consume anything that confuses your clarity. Protect your peace like it’s part of your job because it is. I believe there’s a reason why I’m seeing two themes online as of late:
Social media cleanses - so many people are deleting Instagram and TikTok and investing in reconnecting with an “offline” version of themselves, whether it’s spending more time hanging out with friends, reading, taking up hobbies, etc.
Gatekeeping - I’m seeing more and more chatter about the fact that gatekeeping is back. There’s a desire to keep some things sacred after years of living too transparently and openly online.
2. Decide what “together” looks like for you right now.
Not in theory—in practice. Maybe it’s getting through your work without skipping lunch. Maybe it’s asking for help instead of powering through. Maybe it’s finishing the week without second-guessing every decision. Pick your version, not the internet’s. And celebrate when you actually do those things for yourself.
3. Know your go-to moves on hard days.
When you’re tired, feeling off, or doubting everything, what genuinely helps you get through those times? Maybe it’s writing down your wins. Saying no to one extra thing. Calling a friend who reminds you who you are. You don’t need a full reset. You just need a reliable next step to help you feel better.
Pro-tip: One thing that helps me is having a “Worth it” folder. It’s a ritual I started over a decade ago and have kept it up. Whenever someone sends me a nice note (emails), I tag it in my inbox and I revisit that “Worth it” folder on my worst days. It has done the heavy lifting for me on those bad days.
4. Talk to someone you don’t have to perform for.
Find (or create) a space where you can be honest about what you’re navigating (I mean, really honest not the internet version of honesty we’ve been talking about!). Whether it’s a coach, a trusted friend, or mentor. Leverage them in times when you need to name what’s really going on. To say the thing you’ve been editing out of your story. You don’t need to have it all figured out to speak honestly. The right spaces will not only meet you in the middle but will help you make sense of your feelings in the moment.
5. Check if your current setup is working for you.
Your schedule. Your workload. The way your role is structured. Is it helping you do your best work or is it draining you just to keep up? If it’s the second one, something needs to shift. Don’t wait until burnout makes the decision for you.
And when I say “setup”, I don’t just mean your calendar—I mean your inputs. The communities you’re learning from. The conversations you’re part of. The way you’re staying connected to what’s actually happening in the world around you. For me, that looks like surrounding myself with high achievers to track what people are feeling and needing from work right now, not just relying on my own lens. It means tracking fashion, film, and art for cultural context (yes, this matters!). It also means reading fiction to snap me out of the rinse-repeat rhythm of coaching, content creation, and strategy.
Sometimes the real power move isn’t another optimization, it’s a new perspective.
If your life doesn’t look like a curated feed—good. That feed wasn’t built for your depth, your pace, or your nervous system.
Spring doesn’t have to be about catching up or starting over. It can be about returning—to what’s true, what’s real, what actually fits.
Maybe “having it together” was never about the highlight reel 🙂
Maybe it’s about building a version of success that holds all of you. Your real life, not just a brand.
Good luck! See you next week.
Ashley
LEVEL UP
Work With Me
The work I do is about helping high performers untangle from ways of operating that no longer serve you—so you can step into leadership that actually fits. I don’t focus on quick fixes or mindset hacks.
If you want a space where you don’t have to perform to be taken seriously, where you can think out loud, be challenged, and actually move—let’s talk.
Click here to learn more about working together →
THE WRAP UP: ADDITIONAL RESOURCES
Curated Articles, Just for You
If this resonated and you want to go deeper, I recommend:
🎙 The Anxious Achiever Podcast by Morra Aarons-Mele
🧠 HBR’s The Comparing Trap
🎙 The Women at Work Podcast by Amy Bernstein and Amy Gallo
UP NEXT: NEWSLETTER PREVIEW
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If you’ve ever found yourself doing the most and still wondering why it doesn’t feel like enough—my next post is for you. Next week, I’m naming the tradeoffs high performers make that no one talks about until something breaks. Subscribe to make sure you don’t miss it.
LOL at “Red Bull energy in prose.” This is the best thing I’ve read all month! 🫶