How to Sound Confident (Even When You Don't Feel It)

What actually builds confidence at work (hint: it's not what you think), plus two habits to start this week"

Welcome to Reframed by Ashley Rudolph. One idea, every week, that changes how you see your career.

Last week, I wrote about reframing perfectionism. And why high achievers aren’t your typical “perfectionists”, they just care. That reframe made me stop apologizing for my frustrations at work and managing them proactively instead. If you missed it, read it here.

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Tod’s A/W 24

People who use hedging language (”sort of,” “I think,” “kind of”) were rated significantly less credible and competent than those who spoke directly. Here’s how to project confidence, even when you don’t feel very confident.

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People with high self-esteem earn up to $28,000 more per year¹. Separate research from the Institute for the Study of Labor found that people with higher self-esteem earn 13–18% more than their peers, even after controlling for education and ability.

Confidence is more than a nice to have.

Projecting confidence, even when you don’t feel it, is a skill. Particularly one that high achievers need to learn, to undo the impact of being taught to be humble, hard work oriented, and grateful for opportunities.

If I were to write a memoir about my early career, I would probably name it The Ambitious Woman Who Wanted To Speak Up, But Chose To Overthink Instead.

In my 20s and early 30s, I used to sit in meetings holding back my observations and input on things I’d actually thought through. Instead of speaking up, I’d hold onto my bright ideas and let the moment pass. To make myself feel better about it, I’d tell myself what I had to say wasn’t important enough to take up time. There was always someone more senior who deserved the airtime or something bigger on the agenda than what I had to share.

I’d tell myself that when the time was right, I would speak up.

I was wrong.

But, when I took an honest look at myself two things were holding me back. Sometimes I just didn't feel confident enough, so I said nothing. Other times I did speak up and I stumbled. Because I rarely spoke up, I was out of practice and resorted to behaviors showed a lack of confidence like over-explaining, hedging, and walking back my ideas. By the time I finished talking, I hadn’t landed my point at all. Both issues stemmed from a lack of confidence.

What I had to learn, slower than I’d like to admit, was that you don’t become confident and then start taking up space. You take up space and then become more confident.

I had to make my work and my ideas visible before other people were going to do it.

I was working with a client recently who had the exact same pattern. She found herself sitting in meetings with real things to contribute but week over week talked herself out of sharing them, not out of fear, but because she’d decided they weren’t important enough.

We came up with a clear plan for what to do differently. She tried it. It landed.

This week I’m sharing two strategies you can try to project confidence when you’re just not feeling it but you need to push through anyway.

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INSIGHTS

2 Things To Try This Week To Feel More Confident

1. Stop explaining your wins

You know when someone says you did a great job or asked how you pulled off a successful project and your answer sounds something like:

”So basically what happened was the rebrand kind of fell into my lap because my manager was on leave and nobody else was available, so I stepped in and sort of took it over and it ended up going really well.”

Instead of:

Thank you I’m really proud of the work we did on the rebrand. Leading it was a highlight for me last quarter.

Do you see the difference?

The first version is someone justifying why they were allowed to lead. The second is a leader stating a fact and being gracious. William O’Barr coined the term powerless speech. He found that trial witnesses who used hedging language (”sort of,” “I think,” “kind of”) were rated significantly less credible and competent than those who spoke directly, even when saying the same thing! The pattern was later replicated in professional settings.

Words mean things.

Laurie Rudman also found that people who claim credit directly are perceived as more competent, even if it feels socially uncomfortable to them. Over-explaining might feel comfortable and even humble but it actively signals low confidence to the listener.

Take this as your sign to stop over-explaining your accomplishments this week.

2. Speak up in the first five minutes of a meeting

The longer you wait to say something in a meeting, the harder it gets. And before you know it the meeting ends and you’ve said nothing again.

Instead, decide that you’re going to say something in the first five minutes and prep talking points. You don’t have to say the most brilliant thing. Aim to ask a question, build on someone’s point, or make an observation.

A clear point of view projects confidence. Silence doesn’t.

The client I mentioned earlier? The plan we made was exactly this simple. We decided what she’d say and when she’d say it. She went in with that one clear thing to contribute and it worked.

There’s a reason why I pushed her on this. Bernard Bass's group dynamics research found that how much you talk in a group is one of the strongest predictors of being perceived as a leader, independent of the actual quality of what's said.

And before this turns into a conversation about introverts vs. extroverts and what introverts can’t do. The way I think about this as someone introverted is there are things that you’re naturally inclined to do (like listening vs. speaking up) and things that you have to put effort into doing well. And for some people, speaking up requires preparation and effort, but it’s doable.

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RESOURCES

All of this aligns with power dynamics in the workplace. If you’re curious about how power works at work (heh), I highly recommend Power: Why Some People Have It and Others Don’t. There’s a chapter about women and it being impossible to “have it all”. It didn’t age well, but the rest is great.

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CLOSING THOUGHTS

Oftentimes people think, when I feel confident, I’ll ask for a promotion, advocate for myself, speak up in meetings, or look for new opportunities. Not only are they wrong, they have it completely backwards.

You build confidence by taking action.

Every single time you push yourself to take action, speak up, or confront something you’ve been putting off, you’re proving to yourself that you can do it. With confidence.

Confidence is not something you arrive at after enough experience, enough validation, or enough time. It’s a practice, built one rep at a time.

Good luck. See you next week!

Ashley

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One more thing, join Reframed Insiders.

We meet for the first time this week on Thursday at 4:30pm EST. We’ll be unpacking concepts like this one and getting into other real-life scenarios. If you've been thinking about joining, now’s your chance.

And if you’re new here I’m an executive coach that supports high achieving Directors, VP, and C-level executives with career strategy. Typically, I work with clients 1:1 but I just launched a new monthly group coaching program, join us :)

1. Rich Self Esteem https://archive.news.ufl.edu/articles/2007/09/rich-self-esteem.html