The complaining conundrum is so real. It's a totally human impulse, especially if your interpersonal dynamic is comfortable, but it *really* throws off toxic energy. Major pet peeve as a leader!
Yes, have been there + have managed people like this + have also made the mistake of not calling out this behavior in direct reports not realizing how much of a blocker it was in their growth because that behavior extended beyond our 1:1s! Awareness (and diplomacy lol) is everything.
On 1 on 1s, what's advice you might give someone who's struggling to get genuine feedback with that time? Since adding them to my routine to open the floor for notes on my performance, I'm told I'm doing well, but then find out months later about all the ways I could be doing better once things have piled up. It's been discouraging 😕
Hi Tiana, thank you for asking this! First of all, I'm sorry that you received feedback that surprised you, that's never a great situation to be in. I can see how that would feel discouraging. Without knowing all the details, here's my best advice:
- when asking for feedback, try to ask questions that help you understand exactly is going well. If you're hearing a lot of "you're doing great!" "things are going well!", try asking a follow up question to understand exactly what is going well - so that you know what your manager is specifically pleased with. When things are going well, it's sometimes challenging to pinpoint the what or the why behind it, so giving them the space to think about it will give you the specificity that you need.
- try keeping a shared 1:1 document with your manager with a section for feedback and take notes about what they say. Over time you'll see what the positive feedback was about specifically and compare that to any performance feedback you receive later on
- think about the feedback (although imperfectly delivered) you just received as an opportunity to grow, it's not ideal that it came as a surprise but try to see if there's anything you can take from it that will help you in your career.
The complaining conundrum is so real. It's a totally human impulse, especially if your interpersonal dynamic is comfortable, but it *really* throws off toxic energy. Major pet peeve as a leader!
Yes, have been there + have managed people like this + have also made the mistake of not calling out this behavior in direct reports not realizing how much of a blocker it was in their growth because that behavior extended beyond our 1:1s! Awareness (and diplomacy lol) is everything.
On 1 on 1s, what's advice you might give someone who's struggling to get genuine feedback with that time? Since adding them to my routine to open the floor for notes on my performance, I'm told I'm doing well, but then find out months later about all the ways I could be doing better once things have piled up. It's been discouraging 😕
Hi Tiana, thank you for asking this! First of all, I'm sorry that you received feedback that surprised you, that's never a great situation to be in. I can see how that would feel discouraging. Without knowing all the details, here's my best advice:
- when asking for feedback, try to ask questions that help you understand exactly is going well. If you're hearing a lot of "you're doing great!" "things are going well!", try asking a follow up question to understand exactly what is going well - so that you know what your manager is specifically pleased with. When things are going well, it's sometimes challenging to pinpoint the what or the why behind it, so giving them the space to think about it will give you the specificity that you need.
- try keeping a shared 1:1 document with your manager with a section for feedback and take notes about what they say. Over time you'll see what the positive feedback was about specifically and compare that to any performance feedback you receive later on
- think about the feedback (although imperfectly delivered) you just received as an opportunity to grow, it's not ideal that it came as a surprise but try to see if there's anything you can take from it that will help you in your career.
Hope this is helpful, thank you for reading!
I needed to hear this! Thank you!
I'm so glad you found this helpful Sophie. Thanks for reading!
Including this in my next newsletter for sureeeee. Especially love the strategic approach to 1:1s
Thanks for reading! There’s so many chances to shape how people perceive you (in a good way!) - so glad that resonated with you :)