The Reality of Being “The Only” at Work—and How to Thrive
Last week on LinkedIn, I posted about the (sometimes) harsh realities of being the only at work. It’s a reality that no one really prepares you for. To be fair, it’s an experience that’s really hard to grasp, unless you’re in it.
Whether it’s your identity—your race, gender, age, sexuality, etc —or the realities of your role.
From being the CEO (in a position where you can’t — and shouldn’t — share everything with your peers and colleagues) to being the only operations person in a room that doesn’t quite get the importance of process…
There’s a real weight to carrying a perspective and an experience that’s underrepresented.
And if you’re “the only” in multiple ways? That isolation can compound quickly.
Being the only, on multiple dimensions, shaped the entirety of my professional experience.
I’m black
I’m a woman
I become a Director before the age of 30 — thrusting me into leading team members more experienced than me
I became a VP at 33 (and was the youngest VP at my company)
I worked in tech as a non-technical person
When you’re an ‘only’ determined to climb the corporate ladder, rising through the ranks doesn’t always feel like a warm welcome. It’s not that people are unkind; it’s more nuanced than that. It feels like stepping into a room not designed with your tastes, preferences, or needs in mind. While others are embraced into familiar circles, you’re left to carve out a space that feels uniquely yours, often without a roadmap. It can feel like being part of a team, yet apart from it—observed, but not fully seen.
Studies back this up: research shows that individuals who perceive themselves as “onlys” in the workplace experience higher rates of burnout, lower engagement, and greater self-doubt. For instance, a 2018 McKinsey & LeanIn study found that women who identified as “onlys” were more likely to feel pressure to perform and to experience micro aggressions in the workplace. Harvard Business Review also notes that individuals in isolated roles are more likely to experience “imposter syndrome,” regardless of their accomplishments. This can lead to second-guessing, hesitating to voice your perspective, or feeling pressured to represent an entire group.
We cover this topic in this week’s episode of my podcast: “The Impactful Conversations Effect” with my co-host
and guest David Daniels IV.Common Challenges Faced by “Onlys”
If you’ve been in this position, you may have felt:
The weight of representation: You may feel that you’re somehow expected to speak for a whole group of people, whether you want to or not.
The urge to second-guess yourself: You may feel like you need to back up your ideas with more evidence and data OR that you need to over-explain your perspective to get people to buy into your ideas.
The urge to stay quiet: If you have an idea that is different than the norm, you may feel hesitant to speak up and share your unique perspective (even if it’s great) — and these are often the times when your voice is needed most.
Common career advice will tell you that these challenges are just personal issues or internal blockers to overcome, but I don’t buy that.
I think it’s really important to unpack the experience of being an “only” and how it infiltrates our day to days because the challenges I outlined above have a real impact. They can impact your performance, your well-being, and your growth trajectory in a role.
And speaking from personal experience, my ability to name my feelings about being an “only” is how I was able to realize the advantages it brought me. Being “the only” gives you a unique vantage point and the chance to make an impact in ways that others might overlook.
Navigating and Thriving as “The Only”
From my own journey and the challenges I’ve seen others navigate, here are strategies to help manage and leverage your “only” status:
Lean Into Your Strengths: Go deep on your strengths. And I don’t mean the type of reflections that leave you with surface level insights. Understand your superpowers, the value you bring to a team, your zone of genius. Be clear on what makes you GREAT. Research on strengths-based development from Gallup shows that individuals who use their strengths daily are more engaged and experience greater job satisfaction. When you know where you excel and leverage those skills intentionally, you not only affirm your value but also establish a strong presence.
How to do it: If you haven’t done it already, take the CliftonStrengths assessment. Once you know where you excel, show up with those skills front and center. For example, if your strength is bringing structure to chaos, position yourself as the person who creates order amidst change and own it unapologetically. Leaning into my strengths personally helped me contextualize the unique attributes I brought to a team and gave me a reason to contribute, to share my voice, to solve challenges — because I knew I was the person most equipped to solve a particular problem when it arose.
Show Up as Yourself: I find myself encouraging my clients to show up as their authentic selves in our sessions and more than that, we unpack what authenticity means for them. Authenticity isn’t just a buzzword; it’s a proven factor in performance and engagement. A study by Deloitte found that employees who feel they can be themselves at work are more likely to feel engaged and less likely to feel burnt out.
How to do it: Start by defining what authenticity means for you in your particular work context. This could mean being transparent about your perspective in meetings, sharing personal insights where they add value, or dressing in a way that feels authentic to who you are. Authenticity is about finding ways to connect with others and adding value in ways that feel true to yourself.
Build a Support System: There’s a reason why one of the options on Who Wants to be a Millionaire was “phone a friend”. There is so much value in being able to turn to a person your trust during times of stress — people who help you gain perspective and develop the confidence you need to assert your unique viewpoints. Research by the Center for Creative Leadership found that people who feel supported at work are more resilient and better able to navigate workplace challenges.
How to do it: Cultivate a network of people who can offer support, validation, and feedback. This could include mentors, colleagues, friends, or even a coach. Many of my clients cite how helpful it is to have a sounding board — to validate them and or help them process an issue, particularly when they can’t do so in an unfiltered way at work. Try regularly connecting with people who understand your challenges, can offer guidance, and provide a reality check when you need it. Also, don’t hesitate to join employee resource groups or industry groups where you can meet people who share similar experiences. Sometimes, even a quick text thread with a peer (or multiple peers) can make all the difference.
Create a Plan to Amplify Your Voice: Being “the only” can sometimes mean your voice doesn’t carry the weight it should. You can be strategic about addressing this issue — it comes down to having a plan to share your insights so that your perspectives are heard and valued. Research in organizational behavior shows that individuals who advocate for themselves in structured ways tend to receive more recognition.
How to do it: Practice intentionality. Before meetings, think about the key message or insight you want to share. This tip is a game changer for my clients who are working on getting better at speaking up in meetings, who are wanting to assert their unique POV, or who want to rebrand themselves at work. When speaking up, be clear and succinct — brevity demonstrates confidence. Also try to look for ways to reinforce your points with data or concrete examples. And when you can, align yourself with a colleague who can amplify your message or back you up.
Shift the Focus from Representation to Contribution: The pressure to “represent” can be overwhelming and isn’t always productive. Instead, focus on the unique contributions you bring to your organization. Research on tokenism suggests that reframing your role from one of representation to one of personal contribution can reduce stress and increase your sense of purpose.
How to do it: Focus on the value you bring as an individual. Frame your contributions in terms of the expertise and perspective you offer. By showing the impact of your work, you shift the conversation from identity to impact, allowing you to step into your role with greater confidence.
The Unique Impact of “Onlys”
While being “the only” isn’t easy, it does offer you a unique opportunity to create change, inspire others, and pave the way for those who come after you. Your perspective is valuable because it’s different and this offers something that the majority view might miss.
Being the “only” in a room, a role, or an industry is challenging, but it also means that you have the potential to make an impact that others cannot. So embrace your uniqueness and know that, though it may feel isolating at times, you have the ability to shape your environment in powerful ways.
You’ve got this.
Until next time,
Ashley
Special Announcement — The Impactful Conversations Effect Podcast
I launched a podcast with my dear friend
called the Impactful Conversations Effect Podcast. I launched it because I wanted to explore idea that change often happens as a result of a single impactful conversation. People spend a lot of time exploring big ideas, but in my experience the magic happens when we take steps to turn big ideas into action. And sometimes, the first step in taking action is having a conversation with someone. We’d love for you to listen to it!Listen on Apple Podcasts: https://lnkd.in/gRVgsBvt
Listen on Spotify: https://lnkd.in/eg9CfJbU